Mid-Life Transits (Uranus square Uranus - 41 to 43)

This blog entry will discuss the second of the four mid-life transits, the Uranus opposition (when transiting Uranus is opposite natal Uranus).  Uranus roughly reaches the middle of its journey back to itself at 42 and opposes its natal position.  When this happens we get a shock to the two houses involved in the opposition.  In my case the lightening strike moved into and is going through my 5th House and reaching across to my 11th House.  The Uranus opposition started impacting me in March of 2009, but really walloped me August 28, 2009 when tSaturn was conjunct nPluto at the same time that Uranus had gone Retrograde and backed up over the exact opposition for the second time.  It was on that day that I had a severe panic attack on my way to help a friend and had to pull of the highway and call 911.  I'm still amazed that my body could experience that much stress for several hours and still keep me conscious.  I was thrown completely out of my preexisting state of life and it was not fun.

For several months after the initial incident I struggled just to cope with life.  Fortunately, I had already quit my full time job, but unfortunately, I could not quit my role as stay-at-home parent.  My life partner, Betsy, and my parents stepped in and kept me afloat as I worked through health problems that put me in the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack (about a week later) and through various stress and liver tests.  Every medical test came back negative and my physician, who did a wonderful job with his tools, told me that after he went down the list, the one on the bottom was "its in your mind."  At the height of the initial panic attack I was able to get some "medication" to help me manage the symptoms and function on days when I would enter extreme states of overwhelm.  I put quotes around the word "medication" because it in no way offered me a solution to the core problem.  And, I found, I only really needed it when, surprise, surprise, I was left alone with my daughter.  When I had human support, I did not need the "medication."  And here was my big 5th/11th house shake down.

The 5th House is, essentially, the area of our lives where we begin to establish our independence through our creativity ... it is, for me as an Astrologer, the house of the teenager energy ... creative, dramatic, full of one self, romantic, and playful.  The 11th House is our commitment to community and our authentic role in community.  The universe, without a doubt, brought me down a notch or 100 to teach me that individuals cannot actually "do it alone" and we really, really should not be as isolated as we are, especially in Western societies.  When profound crisis strikes we do not have the human networks in place to help us manage the crisis in a way that can be completely healthy and decidedly healing.  And if the crisis is "in your mind" as mine certainly was/is, then medical science is only helpful on a symptomatic level and not a curing level.  Yes we have psychology, and it is useful, but what we really lack is a mature spirituality to address what is essentially a spiritual transformation.  I thank Gaia for Astrology.  More than any other tool or process, working over my own chart or having other professionals give me input has kept me off the drugs and limited my use of therapy, which was very helpful because I had a therapist comfortable discussion both Astrology and Past Lives.

As it turns out I'm getting a chance to correct a past life that occurred 1500 years ago in India, when I was a priest and father during a plague.  In that life time I had a daughter, who is again my current daughter, Maya.  Her mother was not present; it was just her and me.  Due to my responsibilities and the situation of the plague I sent her away and could not forgive myself for doing so.  Not long after our separation, I committed suicide by drowning.  I was cruising along in my life as a father in this life time until she turned 4 and 1/2 and I am sure those past life feelings were activated (her Moon and my moon are almost exactly conjunct at 21D of Libra, for me hers is in my 11th and for her mine is in her 1st).  Suddenly I became deeply worried about what would happen to her if something happened to me and wham, instant, overwhelming anxiety.  Let me paint the scenario for  you.

We live along a major road, not in a neighborhood (not that it would help that much in the US anyway), and Betsy's parents live 5 states away.  My parents live over an hour a way.  We do not have lives where people just stop by regularly.  So here's a very real scenario; something could happen to me after Betsy goes to work early in the morning and my daughter would be without help until Betsy came home.  If I blacked out, there would be no one check on her and that thought horrified (and still horrifies me).  I immediately began to reach out to people and try to make changes that would prevent such a catastrophe.  But this is the common "nuclear family" life in my culture ... and it is, thanks to my Uranus opposition, unequivocally and fundamentally wrong.  Most of my life has been about "being the strong one for others" and "going it alone" and now I was face to face with utter horror of modern life and its disdain for family.  We need community, not credit cards and indulgent consumption.  We need networks of friends and family staying constant, gentle interaction because I can say, without a doubt, that being the sole caretaker of my child makes earning PhD like opening a Cracker Jack box and pulling out the diploma.  I don't write these words with a smile on my face.  Parenting is hard, parenting well is a monumental challenge. 

I suddenly and deeply felt the "rightness" of community, but not haphazard community.  What we need more of are intentional communities, thoughtful, supportive, with high expectations of members and the group. When I think of the best of an intentional community containing many parents, I think of "distributed responsibility," which helps take stress off of everyone.  This country and my culture sure as hell needs a better model.  With that in mind I began to look a radical (Uranian) ways of living that might put us in touch with this kind of community and help me heal with human support instead of pharmacological masking.  While we did not find one that suited us, we did learn a lot and have worked instead on building our relationships much more intentionally.  Its really a book's worth of material for each transit.  

At the essence, image you are a tree in a storm and lightening bolt strikes from the top of your trunk searing down and splitting you all the way to your roots, exploding all your trunk and limbs out into the storm.  That's what I got and what most people will get even if it all happens internally.  Now, image that occurring on the global scale to everyone currently 40 to 42 in every country of the world!

Knowing Really Is Only Half the Battle

This morning I had a very important chance encounter with my Astrology mentor and instructor Randy Wasserstram.  I am gradually working my way into colleague status and certainly felt a great thankfulness to have the chance to talk to him today.  The conversation ranged, but a large portion of it dealt with my Spiritual Awakening, which I am still deep in the middle of and, on some days, like today, just trying to survive.  Randy knows my chart and he knows what it means when I say I have a good road of hoeing still in front of me thanks to tPluto squaring the Stellium of nEnergy Points in Aries while tUranus opposes nUranus and prepares to conjunct the very same Stellium during the same duration of time.  Mercilessly tSaturn is 5d approaching nSaturn in opposition, which means, it, too, is lighting up my Aries Stellium.  And last and certainly not least, tNeptune and tChiron (Aquarius) both square my nNeptune in an exact (0d separating) aspect.  Oh, and just for shits and giggles, they are both Retrograde, which means they will form an exact square with Neptune yet again before moving on to form an exact square with my Ascendant!  There are no atheists in foxholes!

Thanks to Retrograde motion, my Uranus opposition is also in a tight approaching degree (less than 2).  Approaching and separating energy are very important and an element in beginning astrology often ignored.  When you have aspects approaching, energy is building, and when you have aspects separating the energy is releasing.  Retrograde motion can make certain transits particularly wearing because you get a 3/3 experience, 3 approaches and 3 separations, a really good "driving the point home" experience.  I want to share my story because we all get some dose of what I'm getting.  Hopefully most of you will not have the kinds of transits I'm having, but if you happened to have been born in 1968, then the outer planet to outer planet aspects are something we're all getting (such as the Uranus opposition along with the Neptune square and the Saturn opposition).  How much it affects you depends on other Energy Points in your chart.  I happen to have Neptune 2d separating from my Ascendant, so any aspect to my nNeptune have a profound effect on my Ascendant (my presentation of self and the perception people have of me).  To say both are going through tremendous change would be putting things lightly!

So what happens when you look into your chart or a client's chart and you can see years of turmoil and struggle?  Lots of choices abound and most of mine involve metaphors about "treading water", "holding on by my fingernails", and "battening down my hatches."  You may be feeling some of those same feelings as well if you were born between 1967 and 1969.  The lesson here, I believe, is perseverance and a deep appreciation for the mundane.  My breakfast this morning, both company wise, food wise, and location wise was wonderful and deeply valued.  I am happy to make it through another day, knowing that eventually the pressure from Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn will relent even if Pluto and Uranus have plenty in store for me for a while yet.  2012, when the first exact square between these two occurs, will mean my Stellium gets the double whammy.  By then Jupiter will be helping me out and I should get some positive energy by conjunction.  

In truth, Astrology has helped me immensely.  Without it and the narrative it provides for the energy I am feeling day in and day out, I'm not sure I would be able to manifest a positive response.  I am also thankful for the support I have in my life from my partner, Betsy, my parents, our new family living with us, and my wonderful friends and professional colleagues.  Knowing is half the battle, the other half is the doing and learning.  Hopefully as I write about the doing and learning, I will be helpful to others.

Tarot Meditation Card for the Day - Osho Zen Tarot - Fire to the South, Sharing

When I make a one card draw the question I like to put in my mind is "What do I most need to contemplate today?"  The card I drew today is Fire to the South, Sharing.

The Osho Zen Tarot Deck makes a number of changes to the traditional Western deck and the use of directions to mark the "court" cards is one of my favorites.  Instead of using the Queen of Wands, we see a triangle pointing downward in the Southerly direction.  When this card is drawn you are asked to think of what you can share "without tak[ing] inventories or put[ing] aside for later."  You "dispense your treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance ..." (50).  Perhaps what you have to share is material: the opening of your home to guests, feeding and entertaining them, or giving money to a charity or people in need without prompting.  Perhaps you have knowledge you are willing to share freely, in a blog or talking openly among friends and strangers alike.  

The more you give, the more you may receive.  But if nothing comes in return, it does not matter.  There is such a thing as "right giving" and it entails no expectation of any thing in return, not even a thank you and certainly not a gift.  However, it has been my experience that the more I give, the more life gives me back in return, especially, sometimes when it may seem hard to give.  During those times I do my best to give my trust to the universe that good energy out will invite good energy in.  How and where do I share openly, am I doing enough sharing, and what are the things, talents, or knowledge that I have to share with a sense of abundance of, "giving it away without expectation or concern"?  How have you shared today and in your life?

Of all the "things" we can share without concern for "running out," Love is the unending abundance.  This card also asks of us to open our Heart Chakras completely, a process that often happens for men via Kundalini rising during the Uranus Opposition at 40 to 42.  The birth of a child can also burst open the Heart Chakra and completely shift our view of the world and how it operates.  In this time of recession, emerging austerity, and future scarcity of world resources (oil, water, food), our sharing will be most crucial, downright necessary in fact for our species to avoid some very painful consequences.  We will need to become abundant with our time and our care of others, family and strangers, wherever they need care.  We are all the Buddha and nothing we own is permanent, so why not share as much and as often as possible.  Share your smile, share your laughter, share simply and at grand level if possible.

Uranus Opposition, Heart Chakra, and Trusting the Process

In her book Liquid Light of Sex: Kundalini, Astrology, and the Key Life Transitions, Barbara Hand Clow (Paperback - Sept. 1, 2001) provides one of the most lucid explanations of the Uranus Opposition.  Generally she says that men will experience the opening of their Heart Chakra and women will experience an opening of their Throat Chakra.  This opening is delivered with Uranian explosiveness as the body is literally rewired with electrical energy.  Men should not be surprised if, during the Uranus opposition, they experience symptoms akin to a heart attack or anxiety centered in the chest; I experienced both and still continue to experience anxiety in my chest.  Clow's book is one of several that helped me come to grips with a process that sent me to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack (in September of last year) and, a week later, one night, had me on the floor of my bathroom shaking as if I was having an epileptic seizure. Thankfully my partner and our good friend Rhonda, a Shaman, were there to help me through.  A Uranus opposition is not a time to be without support, especially since it normally lasts over 2 years and the exact opposition occurs 3 times (1 direct, then 1 retrograde, and 1 more direct).


The process is not gentle and trusting it is difficult.  I wanted a medical problem and solution; there is a world of action at the ready for a heart attack and solutions are often very finite and clear.  But this process involves the mind shocking the body.  And while traveling the road of traditional medicine I found, through my doctor, that stress and anxiety can simulate all the symptoms of many different illnesses.  The Uranus Opposition is the equivalent of a mind/soul reboot, with the hard drive literally getting shut down and restarted throughout the process.  Clow, honestly, chastises us for being so ignorant of this process, one which will happen to every living human being that makes it to the age of 43.  Mid-life crisis is the Uranus Opposition and its behavior can scare the hell out of you.  It certainly did me, at first.  


Here's the kicker, and this point is true of all significant transit processes, knowing the cause does not eliminate the hard work or the necessary pain/anxiety/transformation that defines the transition.  As it turns out we also have many actions at the ready for powerful mind shifts, including psychology (talk therapy) and psychiatry (talk and drug therapy).  Fortunately, and with wise guidance from a good friend, I was directed to a psychologist very comfortable with spiritual language. I needed to explore my narrative with Astrology, past lives, and other spiritual ideas as part of the process.  I did even partake of pharmaceutical solutions in the moments of extreme anxiety and considered a general program as a possible aid through my transition.  Ultimately, and so far, I have chosen to try to weather this cosmic storm with all the resources short of medications, and the most powerful aids I have found are my family and friends.


For the first time in a long time, probably since I was even a teen, I was not the person being called upon to help someone in need, but the person in need.  I had to surrender to help.  I'm still learning to surrender if the truth be told.  For me, at least, I realized the drugs provided a bridge when human support was not available; the times I was alone with my daughter and felt waves of panic seize me as I worried about her fate if something happened to me during the day.  This world is not the same as my childhood, when I used to travel from house to house with my friends, coming and going in and out of homes in the community with neighbors in near constant contact throughout the days and nights.  We live so isolated now and my Heart Charka was feeling that isolation with great dread and anguish.  I realized and felt deep fear around the fact that I could blackout early in the day and she would not be "found" for an entire day (until Betsy came home from work).  No neighbor would stop by, no one would phone regularly just to say hello.  A deep part of me felt the inhumanity and recklessness of the situation and that drove me into a state of panic.


How do you correct that problem?  How do you fix isolation?  Not with a medication, of course.  Not long after the initial panic attack, almost 1 year ago exactly, Betsy and I began to explore intentional communities.  We even visited an emerging one in Hickory Nut Valley near Asheville and talked with the founder of another one at Black Mountain.  We were prepared to sell the house and make a radical change that would put us deeper into community on purpose.  We were profoundly open to changing our family dynamic and the universe did not disappoint.  As it turned out, instead of selling our home and moving into an intentional community, a dear friend and her three daughters moved in with us.  Circumstances created a situation of tremendous mutual benefit for her family and ours.  Now we are a family of six (the eldest daughter started college 8/14) and receiving the benefits of a three adult and three child community (5, 5, 10).  The pressure of being primary care taker and play mate during a time of tremendous transition has lessened enough to allow me to fully experience the process of this transit.


The anxiety in the center of my chest is still present, teaching me and I am trying to do a solemn job of listening.  At the suggestion of my Shaman/Psychologist, I am learning to go into the anxiety instead of fighting it.  I have the human support to trust that my daughter will be safe and I have the time to be in my crisis and learn its lesson.  No small feat in a society hell bent on being hell bent all the time.  Truly, I have attained a new thankfulness for my life, the strength and good health of my body, the laughter and tears of children, and my own laughter and tears (there was a long stretch where I did not have a smile inside or out and laughter had become foreign).  In terms of the process of Uranus' transit over itself, I know I am on the last leg of the journey, the final direct pass will occur in October (10/10/10 to be exact).  I have to trust the process because there is still a fair amount out in front of me.